Humorous Quotes · Page 6

“She was thong-climbing-her-ass pissed.”

— Caris Roane

“Do you follow the wrestling? Most people think it's illegal, but you can watch it there. Ruby and Python are on display…

— Samuel R. Delany

“Josh is the company tech expert, which means we all think he’s a little bit shaman, a little bit magician, and mostly…

— Julia Kent

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

— Victor Borge

“Felicity was horrible and snide, but then Felicity had been a repulsive earwig ever since she first grew a vocabulary.”

— Gail Carriger

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

— Bob Hope

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.

— Judith Martin

“Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state…

— Michael J. Sullivan

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into…

— Walt Kelly

['Dad's Army' show]was a military thing but also very funny, so it's kind of the two things that I experienced by being…

— Rhys Darby

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

— Robert Benchley

“Life is nether food nor drink. But the faith of a dance dream.”

— Lailah Gifty Akita

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,…

— Groucho Marx

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

— Dave Barry

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under…

— Tom Lehrer

“Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.”

— Wilkie Martin

“And here is my sweet little Annamaria,’ she added, tenderly caressing a little girl of three years old, who had not made…

— Jane Austen

“He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall never drive with him again. His conduct was shocking. When…

— George Grossmith

There is, in fact, no law or government at all; and it is wonderful how well things go on without them.

— Lord Byron

“Are you going to be all right now?" Loki asked. He'd walked me over here, and he waited just inside the doorway.…

— Amanda hocking

“Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.”

— Anissa Rafeh

“Could the entire notion of finding one’s soul mate be a simple case of looking for ourselves in another body? Is the…

— Dermot Davis

We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made…

— Winston Churchill

“With sunglasses, a hat, and half a pack of Band-Aids, Roger could pass as a human.”

— Nadia Higgins