I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, 5% Friday! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
You can only be embarrassed if you allow yourself to be embarrassed. If you embrace it and just accept that you're kind… — Stephen Merchant Copy Share Image
Laughter makes me come alive. Either being made to laugh or igniting it. — Melissa Rauch Copy Share Image
You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house. — George Lopez Copy Share Image
“You feel bad about yelling in a graveyard after you just tried to have sex with me in a church?” — Liliana Hart Copy Share Image
“It's a good thing you're an aging orphan," he murmured, gently pushing the hair away from her face. "I don't have to… — Anne Stuart Copy Share Image
People are apprehensive about finding 'The Leftovers' funny because it's such a dark circumstance, but I think, really, what the show is… — Emily Meade Copy Share Image
“It is better to have money and not to need it, than to need it and not to have it.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Quite possibly the only infinite power in the universe may be the human capacity for self-deception.” — Michel Templet Copy Share Image
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
Comedy is one of the toughest genres. It is so essential to get the timing right, failing which the humour can fall… — Jacqueline Fernandez Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy is still a very male-dominated world. You look at a set list and maybe there's one woman on there. — Ari Graynor Copy Share Image
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“Worry wasn’t an emotion to which he was particularly accustomed—and it worried him.” — Sol Luckman Copy Share Image
“The exorcist had a slightly Australian tinge to his voice, and the laid-back, whatever-comes-next attitude of a man who had suddenly realised… — Kate Griffin Copy Share Image
I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“The spirits of the brain are directly connected to the testicles. This is why men who weary their imagination in books are… — Louis de la Forge Copy Share Image
“Each morning they came around, three brisk and serious men with efficient mouths and inefficient eyes...” — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
“Who're you going with, then?" said Ron. "Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment. "What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've… — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
It doesn't take much to produce a good merchant of cash-and-carry love: just courage, an infinite capacity for perpetual suspicion, stamina on… — Sally Stanford Copy Share Image
