I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
You know something like 'Patriots Day' that I did a few years ago, which is a drama, is very different than comedy.… — Jimmy O. Yang Copy Share Image
I've always liked monster movies and I've always been fascinated by - again, growing up in a culture where death was looked… — Tim Burton Copy Share Image
Women are constantly patting themselves on the back on how difficult their lives are and no one corrects em, cuz they wanna… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
“Fauve clenched her fists and bounded up from her bed, her gloom vanished in a rush of combat, which translated itself into… — Judith Krantz Copy Share Image
One night I went to this comedy club and paid a hard-earned $5 to get in, and every comic that came up… — Eddie Griffin Copy Share Image
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won't text while going down stairs. That shits dangerous. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good. — Wendy Liebman Copy Share Image
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think, you know, a lot of the business of comedy is taking your personal experiences and making them relatable to other… — Kumail Nanjiani Copy Share Image
“Celibacy is the Tesla family secret, passed down through the generations.” “Celibacy, passed down through the generations?”Victor asked dryly. I flushed. “Its… — Vinnie Tesla Copy Share Image
“All this for two bad lines he could’ve gotten out of a fortune cookie?” — Zoe Forward Copy Share Image
“And-he was ashamed to admit--he had been known to carry off the occasional roll of duct tape. That stuff could be used… — Sharon Ashwood Copy Share Image
“ 'You can't count on the fact that they know you to protect you. They would kill you without hesitation. They would… — Sarah Madison Copy Share Image
“There are few things in life that are worth waking up to: sex, the dark spices of freshly brewed coffee and bacon.” — Dannika Dark Copy Share Image
“Some Saian mountaineer Struts today with my shield. I threw it down by a bush and ran When the fighting got hot.… — Archilochus Copy Share Image
