No one has ever said to me 'go home and make a baby.' I have been told several times to go to… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
According to Life & Style, Lance Armstrong was seen canoodling with fitness model Kim Strother, and the night before, he was with… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
