Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month? — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's like being a stand-up comedian is what leads to being a talk-show host. That life is not cut out for a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if we have… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second¦ or the fifth. Ill just… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.” — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
