Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
