Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me, — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“I loved my father. Most people did. He did try his best. He did provide for his family. He taught me many… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Now that I am a father myself, I know that powerlessness is the defining characteristic of fatherhood. This begins with the pregnancy.… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“The song goes, “Morning has broken,” and I’m pretty sure my children broke it. Like everything else they break, if they did break it,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does,… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“If you complain about how you spend your Saturdays taking your kid to birthday parties, that means you are taking your kid to birthday… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
