I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE! — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
