If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
