“Does my face not look hungry? My mouth is the path and mouthpiece to my stomach, so I’d believe what I’m telling… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do I see value? My gut says no, but I’m willing to bet on things that may pay off big if I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hear what you say in what you don’t say, you see, because I’m a Helen Keller kind of communicator. Love is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It's easy to say I love you, but much harder to show it. Be bold. Be in love—and show it. Love is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I'm growing as a person. I'm self-farming. That's the highest form of farming, even greater than being a duck farmer, which, as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an ill-fitting jacket. It looks sick. It has an “I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I… — Jarod Kintz Gallon Copy Share Image
“To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door,… — Jarod Kintz Bad example Copy Share Image
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are… — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when… — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a person, it would look like me, only taller. And more handsome. And quite likely more muscular too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of… — Jarod Kintz Center of the universe Copy Share Image
“My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it… — Jarod Kintz Mental health Copy Share Image
“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron, because your body needs it to live, particularly if an attacker is… — Jarod Kintz Sunlight Copy Share Image
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I… — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll exhale hot breath into my palm before touching you, because I have cold hands, and also because your hands smell like… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Call me Jack Sonville. It’s not just my name—it’s my location. I’d love to move. But first I’d have to change my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Feces Copy Share Image
“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the… — Jarod Kintz Light bulb Copy Share Image
“What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I… — Jarod Kintz Save the environment Copy Share Image
“God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter,… — Jarod Kintz Lucifer Copy Share Image
“My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would suggest aboulia isn’t frequently spelled abulia, because I doubt it’s frequently spelled at all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
