“I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, thats just what Ill do. Its this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—murdered by his only son, leaving his vast… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in religious ceremonies. After all, it is slightly better than using live human sacrifices.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink… — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).” — Jarod Kintz Clean water Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just… — Jarod Kintz Edge of the world Copy Share Image
“When I wear sunglasses, the day turns shades of night, and it’s as if the blocking of the sun to my eyes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further… — Jarod Kintz Tree of knowledge Copy Share Image
“A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes with my wallet, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer than my truthfully aroused penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to change my name, as my father isn’t worthy of having the same last name as me. I’m a rebel… — Jarod Kintz Father Copy Share Image
“If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I… — Jarod Kintz Nine months Copy Share Image
“To live a sinless life is good, but if you live in a cave and positively influence nobody, you may not have… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks). ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not that the risk isn’t worth the reward, it’s that the reward isn’t worth as much as another reward, which also… — Jarod Kintz Risk Copy Share Image
“When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people talk nonstop and manage to say nothing at all. Other people are more efficient and manage to say nothing at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“His last name was Chew, and I didn’t care if he was Asian, I still screamed, “Not with your mouth open!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a chicken story, starting from scratch, and my handwriting is chicken scratch so it’s perfect.” — Jarod Kintz Writer Copy Share Image
“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be folded up and kept in the trunk of my car, in much the same way that I do… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to see a group of people get killed. Particularly if those people are all my clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“If your nipples were on your eyelids, then and only then would I give you eye contact while you are talking to… — Jarod Kintz Eye contact Copy Share Image
“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy night. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.” — Jarod Kintz Fog Copy Share Image
“I’d like to assess all the asses on the beach. By hand. I should try to get a sponsorship from an oven… — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called—you guessed it—Cock Tease.” — Jarod Kintz Twins Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
