Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after… — Helen Rowland Copy Share Image
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into… — Walt Kelly Copy Share Image
“Blowpipes and darts——heathen, I call it,” said Mrs. Mitchell. “You are right,” said Poirot, addressing her with a flattering air of being… — Agatha Christie Copy Share Image
“Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the… — Shomprakash Sinha Roy Copy Share Image
Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me.… — George Burns Copy Share Image
He had never seen a woman doctor before, and his whole conservative soul rose up in revolt at the idea. He could… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
“Our guy has a property office, John. And I don't mean the Property Office here in One PP. I mean the huge… — Warren Ellis Copy Share Image
“Today, Aaron decided, he would begin to grieve in earnest. He would walk the lonely beach, mocked by gulls, uncaring, his every… — Joseph Caldwell Copy Share Image
Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Chris smiled at me, showing two ridiculously cute dimples and a few feet away a waitress dropped an empty cup she had… — Karen Lynch Copy Share Image
In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Dombey and Son had often dealt in hides, but never in hearts. They left that fancy ware to boys and girls, and… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Cheech and Chong Vs. HAL "I can't do that Dave." "Dave's not here, man" "That does not compute. Dave" "No man, Dave… — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions… — Félix J. Palma Copy Share Image
“But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“I must confess to generally hating sections entitled “how to read this book” and so on. I feel that, if I bought… — Paul Taylor Copy Share Image
“Or should I say that he is like the hand that is able to scratch your itchy parts with the perfect amount… — Memeko Arii Copy Share Image
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
“Family we cannot always choose, but it sure is fun to try and make them laugh during dinners. Especially when they are… — Tom Althouse Copy Share Image
“When we faced Mom, we saw she was addressing Max. "We get to know each other I'll get to hug you." "Mom!"… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix… — Ogden Nash Copy Share Image
“You've got better boobs," I acknowledged. And just as we'd done each time we'd had this boobs-versus-legs conversation, we looked down at… — Chloe Neill Copy Share Image
“Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn?" - Moose in… — Jillian Dodd Copy Share Image
If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“Nancy Herman, my new gym partner and locker neighbor, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, "Don't worry April. I have… — Amy Holder Copy Share Image
Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Perhaps he was merely being friendly. Perhaps he saw the look on my face and mistook it for something else. Really what… — Margaret Atwood Copy Share Image
“The hamster-powered hat is the same as any other hat. It keeps your head warm and looks smart,” the inventor said. “The… — Mark Jackman Copy Share Image
“Is that how you get propositioned at the court? 'Mylady, would you be so kind as to allow me to put my… — Erica Dakin Copy Share Image
They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
... still his philanthropy was of that gunpowderous sort that the difference between it and animosity was hard to determine. — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
You sit back in the darkness, nursing your beer, breathing in that ineffable aroma of the old-time saloon: dark wood, spilled beer,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You were listening at the door, Gigi!" "No, Grandmamma." "Yes, you had your ear to the keyhole. You must never listen at… — Collette Copy Share Image
Humorous writing is often thought of as substandard in comparison to work with a more dramatic or tragic intent. I don't know… — Patrick deWitt Copy Share Image
