It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter.… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example -… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers.… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
For toddlers I suggest leaving their mittens on year-round, indoors and out. That way they can't get into aspirin bottles, liquor cabinets,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
At Epcot Center the Disney corporation has focused its attention on two things greatly in need of Disneyfication: the tedious future and the annoying… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
It was Ronald Reagan who used to say that the 10 most frightening words in the English language are, "I'm from the federal government,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
Gun violence has cost us too many political leaders, and hardly ever the worst ones. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
Pete Seeger is a modest, unassuming, cheerful, and kind-natured man. He's a good folk singer, if you can stand folk singing. And he's such… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
Something that comes to us, some gym shoe that comes to us as a result of child labor from a brutal dictatorship, where people… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
Russians not only vehemently despise blacks, they believe Africa begins at the Ukraine border. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share
