You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You see, we're America the Beautiful, not "America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality". — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
