You can change the world. Please don't do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
There is a residual sense for me, having grown up in the early '70s, that I did not know I had, which… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
