Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
