Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!' — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
And some sad news... the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh's… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to The New York Times, the mob has now gotten into Medicare fraud. But the good news is, when they do… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In a groundbreaking move, the Associated Press, the largest news-gathering organization in the World, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant'.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In an interview with Rolling Stone, Senator John Kerry, who is running for president, said that when he voted for the war… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Here's some exciting news - according to The New York Post, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to geologists, about 100 million years from now, Asia and the Americas will smash together to form one giant supercontinent. The… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Republicans finally got some good news over the weekend. The North Koreans set off a nuclear bomb. Thank God. It was… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends… — Jay Leno Copy Share
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't… — Jay Leno Copy Share
“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.… — Jay Leno Copy Share
American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade… — Jay Leno Copy Share
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just… — Jay Leno Copy Share
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet… — Jay Leno Copy Share
The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Jack Abramoff is going to testify against some of the other weasels in Congress. A lobbyist testifying against congressmen? How many Bibles are going… — Jay Leno Copy Share
Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out… — Jay Leno Copy Share
