If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
A lot of people have said, "Oh, I, boy, I wish Hillary Clinton would just go away." — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Let freedom ka-ching...Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
People would say, "Oh, you say you just do jokes." I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I'm proud of my ability to understand what somebody else is trying to do and help them achieve it, because part of… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
This is a crucial time in the fight for corporate civil rights. Just look at the hateful signs at Occupy Wallstreet: 'Corporations… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
The interesting thing about fake news and fake media is that it's a heresy against reality. Again, as a Catholic, I was… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Believe in me, cause I don't believe in anything, and I wanna be someone to believe. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand. — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Unlike Paul Newman, who seems to think that salad dressing is the cure-all for America's ills, I'm a man of action.” — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
“Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married.… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share
