Funny Quotes · Page 583

Money is like manure; it’s not worth a thing unless it’s spread around.

— Brooke Astor

“Oh, storms yes! Everybody, give the Lopen your spheres! I have glowing that needs to be done.”

— Brandon Sanderson

Next time u're in front of the mirror try fixing something besides your face!

— DeAngelo Stokes

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

— Mitch Hedberg

Fighting online is so stupid. I mean...What are you gonna do? Busta CAPS LOCK on my ass?

— Stephanie

I think I throw the ball as hard as anyone. The ball just doesn't get there as fast.

— Eddie Bane

I've confessed to everything and I's liked to be hanged. Now, if you please

— Franny Billingsley

If we extend our senses, we will consequently extend our knowledge.

— Neil Harbisson

“Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing…

— Brett Tate

“When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can't be so,…

— Hilary Mantel

[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front…

— Jeff Foxworthy

Have a look sometimes into the depths of pain. What is the value of a human being and what constitutes humanity? This…

— Mohd Aariff Khan

'What do you fear my lady?' 'A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance…

— Anonymous

When I was a boy, my mom wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In…

— Jeff Shaw

“So what's it to be, Bear?" Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh. "By golly, I'll take…

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

My life is fair game for anybody. I spent an unhappy, penniless childhood in Brooklyn. I had to slug my way up…

— Susan Hayward

Well, it looks like the all-star balloting is about over, especially in the National and American Leagues.

— Jerry Coleman

I use the free Wi-Fi at Starbucks to complain to Starbucks about how slow their free Wi-Fi is.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when you're that one friend who always gives relationship advice, but is still single.

— Anonymous

I'm going to be who I really am. I'm going to figure out what this is.

— Stephen Chbosky

My Mother's Day gift to you is not deleting the embarrassing comments you make on my Facebook Wall.

— Anonymous

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Freedom comes not from resisting truth, but from applying it.

— D. Todd Christofferson

We got the same degree but since I have a penis I'll get paid more.

— Anonymous

There are more men than women in mental hospitals...which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

— Hussein Nishah

I became very sensitive to what will happen to all this and all of us.

— Albert Hofmann

The awkward moment is when you see twins fighting and one calls the other ugly.

— Anonymous

People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.

— Hussein Nishah

If a secret is revealed, the person who has confided it to another is to be blamed.

— Jean de la Bruyere

All that once was directly lived has become mere representation.

— Guy Debord

Everyone always wins I love you more battles with me, but you will never win I miss you more;)

— Rachel

Congratulations to Snooki on proving everything every girl's parents ever told them is wrong.

— Anonymous

Instrumental or mechanical science is the noblest and above all others, the most useful.

— Leonardo da Vinci

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

— Anonymous

While we cannot always choose what happens to us, we can choose our responses.

— Stephen Covey

No one travelling on a business trip would be missed if he failed to arrive.

— Thorstein Veblen

Some things become such a part of us that we forget them.

— Antonio Porchia

I'm actually not funny, I'm just mean, but people always think I'm joking...

— Rohit Padhra

“Waiters are the help, dear. It's like falling in love with a blender!”

— Daniel Nayeri

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.

— Anonymous