Funny Quotes · Page 112

Nothing can take the place of true love.

— Jon Jones

I was the Americans fair-haired boy

— Allan Nairn

Success has nothing to do with happiness.

— Gillian Anderson

You are only an attitude away from success!

— John C. Maxwell

We are defined by the stories we tell ourselves.

— Tony Robbins

I watched a porno once, it was really funny.

— Katie Holmes

Those that are above business.

— Matthew Henry

Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly.

— Thomas Jefferson

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that.

— Jim Murray

Who else pretends to be interested in a teacher's personal life just to waste time in class?

— Anonymous

Learn how to take criticism seriously, but not personally.

— Hillary Clinton

Yes, I believe blue material is funny, but if that's all you've got, you're dead in the water. It's not good.

— Howard Stern

“Every other girl in school thinks you're the hottest thing since the microwave.”

— Linda Kage

Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but I also know that funny outlasts pretty any day of the week.

— Ulrika Jonsson

The thing about failure is that you never know how close you were to success.

— Brian Simo

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

— Steven Wright

Dear kindergartens texting on an iPhone, When I was your age, I had to use cups strung together by a string and…

— Alisa Gattus

When I say, 'I can't stay long, I'm in-between meals,' that plays differently on the radio than it does in person. So…

— Louie Anderson

“I tear my lips away from hers and fling her over my shoulder. “Hey!” she protests, kicking her feet and slapping me…

— Dolores Lane

“I brought you some coffee.” he held out the cup but she waved it away. “I hate that stuff. It tastes like…

— Cassandra Clare

“Marianne would have thought herself very inexcusable had she been able to sleep at all the first night after parting from Willoughby.…

— Jane Austen

I think the thrust of any child is to try to fit in and be part of it. And I can't tell…

— Howie Mandel

The difference between 40 year old cooch and 20 (year old cooch) is the amount of time I wait. That's it. 20…

— Patrice O'Neal

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -…

— Mitch Hedberg

There is a time to dance to techno and a time not to.

— Joe Strummer

Anyone that can pull you down is already below you!

— Bishop Noel Jones

Aint it funny what a hunny and a Lambourghini will do.

— Yelawolf

Taste everything, eat nothing.

— Bethenny Frankel

We learn nothing by being right.

— Elizabeth Bibesco

In literature it is only the wild that attracts us.

— Henry David Thoreau

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.

— Ron White

The more you know the less you talk.

— A. R. Rahman

I hold death in my pouch, I cannot die.

— Fela Kuti

It's not necessary to tell all you know.

— Harper Lee

One [has] to sense the trend of history and precede it.

— Elsa Schiaparelli

Some people have cats and go on to lead normal lives.

— Anonymous

Conservatives, come out of the closet

— Jon Bruning

You cannot live without doing something.

— Carlos Slim

I already shot my wad on the Protestants!

— Gene Siskel

Due to Multi-Tenancy our gross margin by over 70%.

— Zach Nelson