Skip to content

Funny Quotes by Bob Hope

62 Funny quotes by Bob Hope

All Funny quotes Bob Hope’s page

Bob Hope jokes about golf, saying his slice lets him play three courses at once. He pokes fun at cultures, calling picnicking France’s national pastime and calling Tokyo cab drivers ex‑kamikaze pilots. He also exaggerates prices, offering a personal house‑call for a few extra cents.

Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet

I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.

Image

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Image

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

Image

My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.

Image

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Image

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

Image

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

Image

YOU CAN ONLY DO ONE THING AT A TIME SO CONCENTRATE ON IT.

Image

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

Image

The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we…

Image

All British castles and old country homes are supposed to be haunted. It's in the lease.

Image

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.

Image

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

Image

There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.

Image

I don't bother to look for parking space anymore. As soon as I get near Hollywood Boulevard ... I sell.

Image

English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.

Image

Golf's really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. ... I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie.…

Image

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many…

Image

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents…

Image

The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM…

Image

As the colonel and I sat swapping stories in the plane, a jet aircraft buzzed past our window. I asked the colonel…

Image

Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him.…

Image

And on nearby islands, the Japanese army was eating raw fish. We felt sorry for them. We didn't know that in America…

Image

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove…

Image

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers...

Image

I can still chase women, only downhill

Image

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Image

I'm so old they've canceled my blood type.

Image

Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one.

Image

It's a wonderful way to live, and not a bad way to go, either. The average Frenchman is still smiling three months…

Image

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

Image

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to…

Image

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

Image

I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.

Image

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

Image

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

Image

Everybody knows what California smog is - that's fog with the vitamins removed.

Image

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back…

Image

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the…

Image

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Image

Other authors on Funny

More by Bob Hope

I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at…

Timing is the essence of life, and definitely of comedy.

That's life. The older you get, the tougher it is to score.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty…

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

In England when you make a movie even the weather is against you. In Hollywood the weatherman gets a shooting schedule from all the…

Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots.

Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.

Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for…

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing…

You could buy my book in a paperback edition for a dollar, and in hard covers for $3.50. And for fifty cents extra, I…