“Did I hear that right? Did someone say ice cream? It’s an odd thing to say in the middle of a eulogy,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love sensually, and without the aid of a fancy recipe. I just open the box, add water, stir a bit,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got a sizeable retirement nest egg. It’s an ostrich egg, and it’s going to make an omelet so big that it’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are so many cheeses that I can't keep track of all their names. The dairy farmers should simplify things and name… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A good day is when the Oscar Meyer hotdogmobile crashes into a truck carrying Heinz ketchup, because who doesn’t like free hotdogs… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were at a buffet, but instead of eating food, we were forced to eat our… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Funerals, Coffins, and Death. It’s not just a way of life; it’s also for breakfast. Yes, that is the new cereal I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wherever I go I carry around a clothes iron, a loaf of bread, and a block of cheddar, so no matter where… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a fan of Meatloaf. He has a voice like it’s covered in thick gravy. There’s nothing better to make love to,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m opening a restaurant called “To Go.” You’d like to go to To Go, but would you believe it, we won’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A writer must be a lifelong reader to be good. And if you want to be a great writer, I’d suggest trying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need love. Here’s a list of other things I need: eggs, butter, flour, and sugar. I’m making a cake for the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like ice cream with my cake. But in moderation, and not like five gallons with a cupcake. For that much ice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My day starts like a regular guy’s. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Too bad my car key won’t start my house. And to answer your unasked question, no you can’t use my toaster like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to think I knew what love was, but here recently it has been revealed to me that what I thought… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wrapped inside one is love. Wrapped inside another is hate. What do you think is wrapped inside the third? If you answered… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bread can soak up soup, but can it soak up all my love for you? I doubt it. You’re better off cleaning… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s amazing that a thin film of plastic wrap is enough to protect food against the aggression of hungry marauders. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My favorite salad dressing is vodka. And my favorite ice cream flavor is coffee, though I prefer it melted and hot enough… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
