“Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you rather have sight, or insight? I’d rather have a double cheeseburger.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. That’s just the kind of gentleman I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Italians say “Chow.” To them it means “Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My handshake is as firm as cooked spaghetti. So, do you prefer your introductions with Alfredo or marinara sauce?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love pan pizza. I love pans. I love Peter Pan. I love Peter, but not as much as I love Paul.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everything I learned in school, mixed together with water and chicken broth, isn’t worth the soup served at a soup kitchen. I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I must be pregnant, because I’m craving some strange food. Right now I feel like eating organic, grass-fed cow cud, covered with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the egg salad sandwich of love. The only problem is, I’m in the mood for a tuna fish sandwich—hold the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Pigs might make great pets, but they make better breakfast. I’ll take one big snuggle, with a side of scrambled eggs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A chef should make a dish using only my words as ingredients. My words will taste great in your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I consume knowledge like food. I prefer learning about fruits and vegetables.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is a flower shaped like a snowflake. It won’t melt, so perhaps ice cream should be made out of it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some of the vitamins I take are the size of jumbo jets, though they only pack about half the power.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a variety of dog, I’d want mine hot. I’d take my love with ketchup and mustard.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The French aren’t birthed; they’re hatched out of eggs. That’s why they make the best omelets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I feel like something warm. Apple pie, with two slices of bread and roast beef, covered in a winter coat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow’s Pancake Friday, despite the fact that it’s Monday, and I don’t eat breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He wanted to pay me in agriculture, but I told him, "I need something that's going to put food on the table.” — Jarod KIntz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you agree with the statement: Love is a hamburger? If yes, would you like to add cheese for only 99 cents?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Cloud “Combat” McCloud. Fear my thunder! Love my chicken tenders.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mashed potatoes come with a masturbation sound you pour on top, like gravy. I got the recipe from Pee Wee Herman.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
