“If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s what’s inside that matters. I’m confused inside, because I just ate some sweet and sour.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll wait until your mouth is full of food before I ask you a question. I’m like a dentist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would give you my grandma’s slow-knitted Duck Soup dance-routine recipe, but my grandpa sold it to Roger Bannister for three minutes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once went to a Russian restaurant called “Stalin’s Café.” All the items on the menu looked tempting, but after careful deliberation,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to scrape earwax out of your ears like the last of the chunky peanut butter in a jar. I’d love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I eat spaghetti with my fingers, because it reminds me of me running my fingers through her wet red hair. Ah, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write the world’s worst cookbook, which I’ll title: “The World’s Worst Cookbook.” It’ll feature recipes from “Peanut Butter and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I make lasagna. Makes me hungry just thinking about it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could, I’d eat love for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And for in-between snacks, I’d eat passion fruit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like cardboard. Of course, I have to be in the mood to eat Pizza Hut.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve decided to cut back on my sugar intake by applying it externally, as a dermal abrasion.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your food’s not getting cold. I’m keeping it warm in my stomach. Dinner’s on me tonight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’ve got a tortilla chip type of love. So am I to blame if I’m looking for a little salsa on the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ate a half a cookie, but not because I wanted to. I ate it out of necessity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kicked in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Personally, I’ve been here since 1982, and I’d say it’s about time for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
