« All Wish Quotes · Jack Handey's Page
Wish Quotes by Jack Handey
- I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with…
- I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
- I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be…
- I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns-regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was,…
- Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that "wishing" isn't going to save out national…
- I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey…
- I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size,…
- I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and…
- Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five…
- I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was…
- I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a…
- I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not…
- When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count…
- I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it'd be…
- Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so…
- I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum…
More Wish Quotes
- The trouble with lying and deceiving is that their efficiency depends entirely upon a clear notion of the truth that the liar… — Hannah Arendt
- My best friend is the man who in wishing me well wishes it for my sake. — Aristotle
- Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit. — Aristotle
- Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in excellence; for these wish well alike to each other… — Aristotle
- I just wish the world was twice as big and half of it was still unexplored. — David Attenborough
- No poet or novelist wishes he were the only one who ever lived, but most of them wish they were the only… — Wystan Hugh Auden
- I wish I had eight pairs of hands, and another body to shoot the specimens. — John James Audubon
- Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of… — Saint Augustine
- Do you wish to be great? Then begin by being. Do you desire to construct a vast and lofty fabric? Think first… — Saint Augustine
- What then is time? If no one asks me, I know what it is. If I wish to explain it to him… — Saint Augustine
- Indeed, man wishes to be happy even when he so lives as to make happiness impossible. — Saint Augustine
- Be content with what you are, and wish not change; nor dread your last day, nor long for it. — Marcus Aurelius