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Told Quotes by Jack Handey
- Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got…
- My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our…
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.…
- As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her…
- If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say,…
- The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me."
- Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant,…
More Told Quotes
- If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. — Isaac Asimov
- In fact, I thought that Christianity was very a good and a very valuable thing for us. But after a while, I… — Chinua Achebe
- Nothing can be compared to the great beauty and capabilities of a soul; however keen our intellects may be, they are as… — Teresa of Avila
- I'm an independent. I'm a centrist. A new generation is arriving that has grown up with a multiplicity of choice in every… — John Avlon
- (On seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car. — Tallulah Bankhead
- Being dyslexic, I was told that I was an idiot all the time. — David Bailey
- I am not responsible for all the journalists in the past that have told lies. — David Bailey
- I don't think acting is addictive. If I stopped acting tomorrow, I really wouldn't care. If you told me that I would… — Alec Baldwin
- Discrimination due to age is one of the great tragedies of modern life. The desire to work and be useful is what… — Johnny Ball
- Journalists told me that a talk show wouldn't work. Some told me I was going to get canceled before my first season… — Tyra Banks
- A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other people what to do with their money. — Amiri Baraka
- I learned the songs and played the gigs, and then they called me about a month later. They told me they were… — Travis Barker