« All Said Quotes · Demetri Martin's Page
Said Quotes by Demetri Martin
- I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'
- I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my…
- I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult…
- I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I…
- I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the…
- I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said,…
- I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney.…
- I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
- I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
- I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks…
More Said Quotes
- Live never to be ashamed if anything you say or do is published around the world, even if what is said is… — Richard Bach
- That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye'. — Richard Armour
- That said, the question remains: how to strike the balance between free speech and mutual respect in this mixed-up world, both blessed… — Timothy Garton Ash
- If I were to say, 'God, why me?' about the bad things, then I should have said, 'God, why me?' about the… — Arthur Ashe
- The book that convinced me I wanted to be a writer was 'Crime and Punishment'. I put the thing down after reading… — Paul Auster
- My mother always said I must be part Mongolian because of my lotus-pale complexion and squid-ink black hair. — Diane Ackerman
- I came to the conclusion months ago, and I said it to members of Congress, that the only way people are going… — David Axelrod
- I have a master plan as an artist. I've always said I'm not going to be punching nobody's clock. I will work… — Erykah Badu
- Few expected very much of Franklin Roosevelt on Inauguration Day in 1933. Like Barack Obama seventy-six years later, he was succeeding a… — Russell Baker
- I was in college in Washington, D.C. I did three years full-time. I did all my requirements, and my senior year was… — Alec Baldwin
- American history is longer, larger, more various, more beautiful, and more terrible than anything anyone has ever said about it. — James A. Baldwin
- All of the muscles were gone, so that was a real tough time of rebuilding all of that. But you have a… — Christian Bale