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Get Quotes by Steven Wright
- I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
- I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
- It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think,…
- It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke…
- In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would…
- There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you…
- When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow.…
- When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing…
- When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it…
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m…
- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
- I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
- How do you get off a non-stop flight?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many…
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- Most people would rather give than get affection. — Aristotle
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- Flattery and deceit are the darlings of great men, and so with these men spread the butter on thick, if you want… — Pietro Aretino
- Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes… — Aristotle
- I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what's on my mind, and then get nine texts… — Kate Beckinsale