Automatically Assume Quotes by Jack Handey

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Popular Automatically Assume quotes from across the collection:

• When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. — Jack Handey
• Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that… — Anthony Jeselnik
• When you've been in the tabloids as a drunken 'It-boy', people automatically assume you're thick. — Nick Moran
• The fact that the market is not doing what we wish it would do is no reason to automatically assume that the… — Thomas Sowell
• Organic Oreos are not a health food. When Coca-Cola begins selling organic Coke, as it surely will, the company will have struck… — Michael Pollan
• My voice is who I am, who I was when I was 3, and who I am going to be when I… — Valerie June
• When I hear a guy say bros before hoes I automatically assume he's referring to gay sex. — Nikhil Saluja
• When a girl puts her Myspace link on her Twitter profile, I automatically assume she's a cock sucking whore. — Nikhil Saluja
• When I text someone and they don't text back, I automatically assume that they fainted in excitement! — Abhishek Tiwari
• Why would you automatically assume that I'm high ? — Ream
• Fed up with females saying they want something real and when something real shows up and gives them what they been wanting… — Unknown Author
• Every time I see someone acting like a fucking idiot, I automatically assume they're Justin Beiber fan. — Nikhil Saluja

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