All Rita Rudner Quotes
- Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly. Alcohol
- My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. Cook
- Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now. Aging
- How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon? Morning
- Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside. Enough Without
- You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty. Funny
- Cats are a waste of fur. Cat
- I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and… Especially
- Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he… Admit
- Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I… Afraid
- Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. Better
- The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. Couple
- I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa!… Bill
- I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita." Check
- Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and… All
- When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. Each
- When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost? Break
- I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and… Broke
- Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for… All
- I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962. Burned
- I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. Call
- Never take candy from strangers. Candy
- I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. Admire
- The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him Actually Spent
- Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable… Body