All Rita Rudner Quotes
- To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' Attract
- Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. Air
- My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Buried
- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin… Buy
- We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. Begun
- I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. Comic
- Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend… Ask
- I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. Ballet
- In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Congratulations
- My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to. Boyfriend
- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. All
- Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? Eighteen
- I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. Cosmetic
- Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and… Bathroom
- I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. Conversation
- The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it… Aerobic
- I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't… Children
- I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. Envelope
- Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Always Say
- There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. Better
- I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Aging
- I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. Animal
- I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. Easily
- If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. Audience
- Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Bad