Rita Rudner Quotes

118 quotes in 1373 categories

• Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.
• My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
• Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.
• How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?
• Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
• You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.
• Cats are a waste of fur.
• I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and…
• Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he…
• Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I…
• Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
• The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.
• I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa!…
• I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."
• Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and…
• When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
• When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?
• I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and…
• Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for…
• I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

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