All Rita Rudner Quotes
- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. All
- Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? Eighteen
- I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. Cosmetic
- Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and… Bathroom
- I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. Conversation
- The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it… Aerobic
- I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't… Children
- I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. Envelope
- Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? Always Say
- There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. Better
- I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Aging
- I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. Animal
- I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. Easily
- If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. Audience
- Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Bad
- It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. Asked
- They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. Bank
- I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. Feeling
- I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. Care
- I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. All