You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer. — Dov Davidoff Congratulations Copy Share Image
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to. — Dov Davidoff Class Copy Share Image
Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend. — Dov Davidoff Girlfriend Copy Share Image
I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of. — Dov Davidoff Amazed Copy Share Image
Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them. — Dov Davidoff Animal Copy Share Image
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers. — Dov Davidoff Business Copy Share Image
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it. — Dov Davidoff Herpes Copy Share Image
The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit. — Dov Davidoff Bits Copy Share Image
People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of… — Dov Davidoff Care Copy Share Image
Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo? — Dov Davidoff Jobs Copy Share Image
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you. — Dov Davidoff Attention Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I… — Dov Davidoff Girl Copy Share Image
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic. — Dov Davidoff Black Copy Share Image
Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life. — Dov Davidoff Gay Copy Share Image
Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you. — Dov Davidoff Sex Copy Share Image
Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it… — Dov Davidoff Facts Copy Share Image
You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their… — Dov Davidoff Car Copy Share Image
Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you… — Dov Davidoff Comic Copy Share Image
Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour. — Dov Davidoff Glamour Copy Share Image
Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it. — Dov Davidoff Acceptance Copy Share Image
Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are. — Dov Davidoff Figures Copy Share Image
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk. — Dov Davidoff Diminishing Copy Share Image
I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science. — Dov Davidoff Human relations Copy Share Image
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism. — Dov Davidoff Break Copy Share Image
The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know. — Dov Davidoff Human spirit Copy Share Image
Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys. — Dov Davidoff Air Copy Share Image
Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right? — Dov Davidoff Knows Copy Share Image
Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one. — Dov Davidoff Being hated Copy Share Image
If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness. — Dov Davidoff Comfortable Copy Share Image
Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem? — Dov Davidoff Attractive Copy Share Image
Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something. — Dov Davidoff Fitness Copy Share Image
Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together. — Dov Davidoff Crime Copy Share Image
My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish. — Dov Davidoff Car Copy Share Image
The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time. — Dov Davidoff Blood Copy Share Image
The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine. — Dov Davidoff Atm Copy Share Image
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial. — Dov Davidoff Denial Copy Share Image
