I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.” — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
