Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, 'We need one of these things around the White House.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States - the Kardashians. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
