“They say a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm. And you can’t fake a sneeze. Maybe that’s why I like sneezing into… — Jarod KIntz Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
