“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I mopped up my moped off the street, and drove home on the unicycle below my handlebar mustache, while I thought about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I meant to miss, and I made it, then I missed my miss. So I missed and I made it, rather… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m not eating, sleeping, working, or doing a hundred other things, I’m making love. I need to arrange my priorities. Sleeping… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Our romance lasted a few months. I was so deflated the day I lost my air pump and couldn’t blow love into… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Cupid, that chubby cherub love dispenser, is dead. But before he died, he appointed me his apprentice in love. I loved Cupid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Herman is not her man. But neither am I, and I love her more than any man besides Herman. But she doesn’t… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is useful, and my love is for sale. (Batteries not included).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is as blue as the sky, and if I had to attach a time to it I’d say midnight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were circular, like a yawn, and I were dynamic and geometric, like an isosceles triangle, would you take me to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the egg salad sandwich of love. The only problem is, I’m in the mood for a tuna fish sandwich—hold the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the perfect pen name is Quill McSeagull. Especially for writing flights of fancy—and nothing has more feathers than a love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you rather be affluent, or influential? I’d rather be fluent in the language of love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to tell you I love you. You know I do. And I’m not just saying that because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
