“Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is 3:33 am plus 360 degrees plus 365 days, minus 12:34 pm. I ought to know, because I weighed it myself.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I postulate that there is something stickier than semen. That substance is love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my father were Cupid, and my mother were Helen Keller, I suppose I probably would subscribe to the notion that “Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to bring as much love into the world as I can. Where am I bringing it from? I’m going to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The door of love is squeaky. Would you mind oiling it on your way out?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My fingers itch, and the more I scratch the more it tickles. Tickle, itch, tickle, itch, this whole experience reminds me of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have so much love that it could stretch around the world’s largest dick. But so what? Bernanke’s belt does that every… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Let’s say we’re making love on the moon, and my clone decides to show up. Would you tell… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Eyes are shaped like leaves, mouths are shaped like leaves, and goodbyes are shaped like leaves. But my love, that is shaped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make sleep like I make love, only with more energy and excitement.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the bow of love. I’m also the bow of hate. Same spelling, different pronunciations and meanings. Would you like me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
