“I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If we built a boat out of our love, she’d build an ark, while I’d build a canoe.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If love were a faucet, I’d not only continue, but I’d increase the frequency with which I wash my penis in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your love is my candy, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to give it away to strange children.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman 20 years older than me. The impressive part is that I was only eleven at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got your love out of the umbrella cabinet. I hope you weren’t saving it for a rainy day.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to prop open the door to my heart. But you might not want to leave the Love… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After we made love, I didn’t want her to leave. At least not before she did the dishes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With 87 other Elvis impersonators, I’m going to take over the world. Starting with Vegas. We will gyrate our hips out of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Toothpaste pie is no substitute for swishing around minty-fresh love in your mouth and then rinsing out with cold, refreshing reality. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to crack the code of love. What is it, where do I find it, and how much… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
