The world is a very serious and, at times, very sad place - but at other times it is all such a… — George Harrison Copy Share Image
Just because you say Swag in every other sentence doesn't mean you have it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've never had a proper job. I do jokes about not knowing the value of money, about having a famous dad. — Tom Rosenthal Copy Share Image
If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father. — Mary Todd Lincoln Copy Share Image
There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before. — Ashleigh Brilliant Copy Share Image
I got expelled from school on pajama day…But its not my fault I sleep naked. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin uses me as a laugh line in her stump speeches. If you're willing to turn me into a joke, you… — Rachel Maddow Copy Share Image
Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
In Israel, waves of anger and fear circulate all the time, but so do jokes and gossip and silky evening breezes. So,… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
As for pictures and museums, that don't trouble me. The worst of going abroad is that you've always got to look at… — Margaret Oliphant Copy Share Image
sarcasm and jokes were often the bottle in which clinical depressives sent out their most plangent screams for someone to care and… — David Foster Wallace Copy Share Image
Why do single women take advice from other single women? That's like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
This is a collaboration between a complex analyst, a dynamical system expert, and an arithmetical algebraic geometer. It sounds like a joke,… — Jordan Ellenberg Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is seen as a joke. If Putin wanted anybody to win the 2016 election, it would have been Hillary Clinton,… — Rush Limbaugh Copy Share Image
The only time I've ever been mistaken for someone else is - and this arguable still - when a person came up… — John Hodgman Copy Share Image
Scripts are a house of cards and you can't just reach in the middle and pull out the middle card because the… — Paul Feig Copy Share Image
My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate. And she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. You know,… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I don't want to get too much into my personal relationships but I will say I am actually doing the single thing… — Matt Lanter Copy Share Image
As a woman, I know you're young but you gotta hear it now,the most valuable part about you is your brain. Get… — Sophia Bush Copy Share Image
I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of… — Roseanne Barr Copy Share Image
