Humourous Quotes by Terry Pratchett

“He's a bit set in his ways." "Congealed, I should think.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Colon looked awkward, as if the bunched underwear of the past was tangling itself in the crotch of recollection.”

— Terry Pratchett

“I thought dwarfs loved gold," said Angua. "They just say that to get it into bed.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Dwarfs are very attached to gold. Any highwayman demanding 'Your money or your life' had better bring a folding chair and packed…

— Terry Pratchett

“I wonder what's the difference between ordinary councillors and privy councillors?" wondered the merchant aloud. The assassin scowled at him. "I think,"…

— Terry Pratchett

“The other two entered the room. Vimes gave his men his usual look of resigned dismay. "My squad," he mumbled. "Fine body…

— Terry Pratchett

It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military maneuvers, right down at the bottom end of the scale…

— Terry Pratchett

“People look down on stuff like geography and meteorology, and not only because they're standing on one and being soaked by the…

— Terry Pratchett

“Vimes woke in damp and utter darkness with sand under his cheek. Some parts of his body reported for duty, others protested…

— Terry Pratchett

“Vimes was already lost. Oh, there was the sun, but that was just a direction . He could feel it on the…

— Terry Pratchett

“I'm sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures," said the Senior Wrangler sourly. "That is so,' said Ponder, "but I'm…

— Terry Pratchett

“I'm not bloody well going to have it, understand?" Vimes shouted, shaking the ape back and forth. "Oook," the Librarian pointed out,…

— Terry Pratchett

“He felt an appetite for once, one that it'd take more than a drink or two to satisfy. He strolled along for…

— Terry Pratchett

“His Greatness the King Pteppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of…

— Terry Pratchett

“The barricade was taking some while to dismantle. Chair legs and planks and bedsteads and doors and baulks of timber had settled…

— Terry Pratchett

“Winder's mind felt even fuzzier than it had done over the past few years, but he was certain about cake. He'd been…

— Terry Pratchett

“Upstairs, in what had been until then the cash office, Young Sam slept peacefully in a makeshift bed. One day, Vimes hoped,…

— Terry Pratchett

“Legitimate First watched them go as they walked away. Sergeant Colon felt he was being measured up. "I've always wondered about his…

— Terry Pratchett

“Her books on alchemy were marvellous objects, every page a work of the engraver's art, but they nowhere contained instructions like "Be…

— Terry Pratchett

“You see," said Colon, "thieves are organized here. I mean, it's official . They're allowed a certain amount of thieving. Not that…

— Terry Pratchett

“Oh, good grief," said Vimes. "Look, it's quite simple, man. I was expected to go "At last, alcohol!", and chugalug the lot…

— Terry Pratchett

“ Click. The salamander flared, etching the room with searing white light and dark shadows. Otto screamed. He fell to the floor,…

— Terry Pratchett

“How big a war?" "A worse one than the one fifty years ago, I expect," said Cheery. "I don't recall people talking…

— Terry Pratchett

“ You have no power over us , said the Auditor. We are not alive. BUT YOU ARE DEMONSTRATING ARROGANCE, PRIDE AND…

— Terry Pratchett

Another priest said,"Is it true you've said you'll believe in any god whose existence can be proved by logical debate?""Yes."Vimes had a…

— Terry Pratchett

“Inspirations sleet through the universe continuously. Their destination, as if they cared, is the right mind in the right place at the…

— Terry Pratchett

“The Librarian swung on. It was slow progress, because there were things he wasn't keen on meeting. Creatures evolved to fill every…

— Terry Pratchett

“The forest of Skund was indeed enchanted, which was nothing unusual on the Disc, and was also the only forest in the…

— Terry Pratchett

“The horsemen came closer. Vimes was not good at horsemen. Something in him resented being addressed by anyone eight feet above the…

— Terry Pratchett

“It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren't the people the people who made…

— Terry Pratchett

“Lawn looked down at his patient. "In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to…

— Terry Pratchett

“How do you spell 'contravention'?" said Carrot, turning over a page. "I don't," said Nobby, pushing through the crowds.”

— Terry Pratchett

“Silk stockings. With garters . Well, they were out. There were a lot of things he'd do for Sybil, but if garters…

— Terry Pratchett

“The three thieves looked around. As their eyes grew accustomed to the gloom, they received a general impression of armourality, with strong…

— Terry Pratchett

“Look, sir, I know Angua. She's not the useless type. She doesn't stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do…

— Terry Pratchett

“The street was full of animals, milling around uncertainly. When animals are in a state of uncertainty they get nervous, and the…

— Terry Pratchett

“When new students tried an experiment that was particularly successful in terms of explosive force, the result was often a cross between…

— Terry Pratchett

“We need to borrow your boat," said Vimes. "Bugger off!" "I'm choosing to believe that was a salty nautical expression meaning 'Why,…

— Terry Pratchett

“You're not suggesting that Vetinari tucks into a nice rat every day?" said Angua. "I've heard he uses rats as spies, so…

— Terry Pratchett