When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin has already had an effect on foreign relations... The new president of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, is in hot water, because… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This party is just full of children, and someone needs to leave them in a hot car. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
