I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
