My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too! — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the… — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
