When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
