I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show.… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I actually never acted on "Deadwood." I have meetings all the time where people look at my IMDb page and see that I played… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
