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Abuse Quotes by Lundy Bancroft

67 Abuse quotes by Lundy Bancroft

All Abuse quotes Lundy Bancroft’s page

If you’ve ever felt the weight of control or manipulation, this set of 67 quotes from Lundy Bancroft gives a raw look at the dynamics of abuse. The words cut to the heart of the issue, helping you see patterns and perhaps find a sliver of clarity amid the chaos.

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“-He drives recklessly or speeds up when he’s angry. -He punches walls or kicks doors. -He throws things around, even if they…

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Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you…

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Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself.

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Abuse counselors say of the abusive client: “When he looks at himself in the morning and sees his dirty face, he sets…

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“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”

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Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once.

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“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”

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“Addiction does not cause partner abuse, and recovery from addiction does not “cure” partner abuse.”

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But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of…

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“As a product of Anglo-Saxon-Protestant culture, I am familiar with its centuries-old tradition of hiding its abuse of women under pretty packaging.”

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“The underlying attitude comes bursting out of his words: He believes his wife is keeping something of his away from him when…

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“When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. Ray was not abusive because he was angry; he…

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As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we…

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“THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES…

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“When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic…

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“It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her…

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Disrespect also can take the form of idealizing you and putting you on a pedestal as a perfect woman or goddess, perhaps…

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“The volatile, abusive, and sometimes dangerous reactions that abusers can have when relationships draw to a close have often been considered, especially…

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“I have sometimes said to a client: “If you are so in touch with your feelings from your abusive childhood, then you…

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An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless…

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“Outside of my professional life, I have known many couples over the years who had passion and electricity between them and who…

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“ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence…

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Physical aggression by a man toward his partner is abuse, even if it happens only once. If he raises a fist; punches…

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The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are: You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing. I can easily convince…

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“The central attitudes driving the Player are: Women were put on this earth to have sex with men—especially me. Women who want…

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“One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have…

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“Boys’ aggressiveness is increasingly being treated as a medical problem, particularly in schools, a trend that has led to the diagnosing and…

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“Each human being deals with hurt or resentment in a unique way. When you feel insulted or bullied, you may reach for…

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“As I have explained in earlier chapters, abusiveness has little to do with psychological problems and everything to do with values and…

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“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and…

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“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in…

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“The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were…

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“Consider how challenging it is to negotiate or compromise with a man who operates on the following tenets (whether or not he…

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“To make matters worse, everyone she talks to has a different opinion about the nature of his problem and what she should…

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“HOW CAN I TELL IF A MAN I’M SEEING WILL BECOME ABUSIVE? • He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners. • He…

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“In the 1890s, when Freud was in the dawn of his career, he was struck by how many of his female patients…

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“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to…

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Never believe a man's claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.

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“Abuse is not his goal, but control is, and he finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has…

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It is not possible to be truly balanced in one's views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman…

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Other authors on Abuse

More by Lundy Bancroft

But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life,…

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“On some level he hopes that his ability to transport you sexually will tie you to him, so that he can have power over…

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“When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. Ray was not abusive because he was angry; he was angry…

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“Abuse doesn’t come from people’s inability to resolve conflicts but from one person’s decision to claim a higher status than another. So while it…

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Few people are aware of the severe human rights violations committed daily by family court judges across the country. These courts are siding over…

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“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways…

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“In short, the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.”

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“When we hear these kinds of excuses from a drunk, we assume they are exactly that—excuses. We don’t consider an active alcoholic a reliable…

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“Abuse is not his goal, but control is, and he finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has a right…

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“The central attitudes driving Rambo are: Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad. Anything that could be even remotely associated…

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“HE ISN’T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE’S ANGRY BECAUSE HE’S ABUSIVE.”

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“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to…

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“ALCOHOL HAS NO BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION TO ABUSE OR VIOLENCE Alcohol does not directly make people belligerent, aggressive, or violent. There is evidence that certain…

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“The central attitudes driving the Terrorist are: You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your life is in my hands. Women…

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“Boys’ aggressiveness is increasingly being treated as a medical problem, particularly in schools, a trend that has led to the diagnosing and medicating of…

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