“A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only thing politicians serve is their own interest. Public servant has morphed into private serpent.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you make guns illegal, the only people who will have them will be criminals—and the government, which of course is the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is it’s about 50 weeks too short. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The American Dream is to not have to work, so with unemployment at record levels, you’d think more people would be excited… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blanket could be used to form a new word—tenkalb—which in turn could be used, or not used at all. But that’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be bad for you, but government has no role in dictating our lives. People should be free to imprison themselves.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Governments are nothing more than elaborate Rube Goldberg apparatuses, operating with absurd inefficiency. Why walk ten steps when you can make it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
