“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a blanket, if you’re a roach or politician. Warmth can be so crushing at times. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to suppress the will of the people. Every politician needs to keep this in mind when trying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pastor, a politician, and a brick walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to think that Satan and all the fallen angels were the most evil beings in the universe. Now I think… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to destroy your mannequin lover. It’s the only proper thing to do. Remember, I was the one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to line the pockets of the politicians, the way the people’s money once was, as we drop them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a policy isn’t working, don’t change the policy—change its name. That should be taught in Politics 101.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government is so efficient it often takes two people to do the work of one. Actually, more accurately, it takes twice… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s always going to be a criminal element in the population. At least as long as people believe they need politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to cook with, as a thickening agent in gravy. But as history proves, the thickest agents work… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my dream, the passenger seat of my car was a toilet. I guess I was on my way to pick up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used as scapegoats for global warming. But why blame the blankets? Wouldn’t it be more fun, and more accurate,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I find politicians’ speeches moving. Sometimes I don’t even pack up before forever leaving their vicinity.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A real criminal mastermind isn’t known as a criminal mastermind, because how good can you be if you’re a known criminal? No,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The ability to gauge intelligence is itself a form of intelligence. Monkeys don’t ponder how smart monkeys are. Ditto for politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
